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Saturday, January 28, 2006

i'M soRRy dear..>

i fEel sO angry wiTh myselF.. wAds wroNg wiTh mE? wAD do i reaLLy wanT frOm hiM?! iTs hiS bdAe, anD i actuaLLy ruIned iT toTallY.. smaShed hiS heArt..i realLy dinT waN thaT to happeN.. i SweaR i did not..

whY did i not get hIm anY prEsenT for his bDae?
mY excuSe is thaT i dInt noe waD to geT hIm (even up till now i stilL duNNoe wAd i shld get).. bUt in the enD, i stIll turned up with a chocolate fudge cake..

whY didnT i feel like goinG out with him even though its his bdAE?
mY reasON is that i dUN hav a present for hiM den it's like reallY very weird to jus eat lunch with hiM.. anOther reasoN is also because hiS familY is havINg a reunion dinnEr togethEr, how could i ask him out for dinnER?

whY did my loVe foR hiM deteriorate so much?!
hE usEd to be my prioriTy.. i loVed hiM so much thaT i was also very shocked.. wAd happenEd noW? is iT becoS our livEs haV became so routined and monotonous thaT it dEcreaSes my love for hiM?

his attituDe towards me..
juS verY haPpy and eXcited and want to maximise the time spent with me.. so loNg i am beside him, he will be very glad.

mY aTTitude towarDS him..
quite colD.. not as haPpy as before.. hAv liTtle urge to see hIm.. i duN like to see him sad or angry, i wanT him to be haPPy.. buT in the end i made myself moRe tiRed... even thoUgh i may not feel like doing some things, i do them for his sake.. because i'm afraid to see him unhapPY or angry or depressed.. i duNno wads wrong with me.. i'm too calm on the pHone.. thaT's the scariest part.. i seeM to be expeCtin all thEse to happeN alreadY..

he saiD if our love last time was 100%, now is only 10 %.. aLthoUgh his loVe foR me maY haV increaseS, my loVe for him hAs dEcreASeD in leaps and bounds.. i tolD hIm i osO duNnoe whY that happened (but i'm lying i think).. i thiNK i noe the reason.. but anywaY, i tolD hiM its beCause oF the too routinEd liFestylE.. hE aGrEed to a certain eXtenT thaT hE iS unablE to brinG me around (becoS goiNg out = spending money).. hE is kinDa pooR noW and he confEsses thaT it wiLl continuE to be like daT for at least another 2 years.. howevEr, i told hiM eveN wiThout moneY we are stiLl ablE to do othEr simplE thINgs, like kite flying.. he kinDa geT waD i meant.. but he saiD he's onLY 10% confident of giving me thE kinD of lifestylE and relationship thaT i wanT.. meaniNg, in future, it wiLL moSt probably (90%) be in the samE situation as now..

haIx..i'm reaLly surpriSed that i dint cry.. most of the time, i will cry.. i dint noe why i dint shed any tears.. i am even more confident of the things i feel..

i'm very sorry about the contradiction.. in somE sensE, i feel that i hav misled him.. last timE before we got together, i told him i'm lookin for a long-term relationship.. i wanted to find a husband, not jus a boyfriend.. he took up that mentality of beinG my long-term pArtnEr, makinG me hiS prioriTy in his liFe.. yEt mE, alwaYs makIng him as my opportuniTy cosT (last resort)..by right i shld not have yearn for any more freedom.. i shlD juS put him as my utmost important person in my life (since he's gonna be the person who will be by me for the next 50 years).. howEver, maybe its becos of my age, i'm not prepared to sacrifice my freedom, my friends and my commitments for his sake.. my mentality is i'm still so yOung, how caN i forgo sO manY thIngs jus to be with him?!??!? how to?? i reaLLy cannot.. i wanT to enjoY life, i wanT to experiencE alot of othEr thIngs..i caNt jus let go jus becos i need to accompany him?!!
on the other hand, i likes the way he dotes me, making me feel that i'm the most impt person in his life.. he always giveS in to me even thouGh my request may not be reasonable..
iN liFe, theRe's no such thiNgs to have the best of both worldS.. ofteN, we can onLy chooSe onE and sacrifice the othEr.. thiS is realLy diFFicult.. lEt mE tinK about it..

liTtle gaL dreaMIng in hEr owN worlD..

hoW i wiSH i wiLl nv grow uP den i wiLl not haV to faCe sucH trouBleS and problems.. i wanT to liVe in mY own dreams..

# posted by Ev3 | 1/28/2006 11:16:00 pm

1 Comments:

Understand why u feel like that. You are still young cant blame you for it. Be honest, most girls at your age are like that. Just relax dont think too much, let fate decide your path...

By Terence Law, at 6:50 pm